


Getaway Car

by kippenstj



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, That's literally all this is, also i didn't add the .s to tj's name because im lazy, compulsory heterosexuality, cyrus goodman is sad, i've never written them before, kind of, not really but it's open to interpretation, probably slightly ooc, sort of an anxiety attack but not quite, the original intention was for an anxiety attack but i decided not to go so deep into it, tj kippen is sad, tw for that though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 23:10:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18040871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kippenstj/pseuds/kippenstj
Summary: The thing about TJ Kippen was he was constantly running, constantly hiding, constantly lying. From the day they first met, TJ was in perpetual motion, running from his problems, from his reality. He could never stay put, always racing from one task to another, desperately avoiding the acknowledgment of who he was.





	Getaway Car

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this is out of character
> 
> -the acquisition line is courtesy of my friend imogen

The thing about TJ Kippen was he was constantly running, constantly hiding, constantly lying. From the day they first met, TJ was in perpetual motion, running from his problems, from his reality. He could never stay put, always racing from one task to another, desperately avoiding the acknowledgment of who he was. There was never a time they were together where TJ wasn’t lying to himself, whether it be about his feelings, his struggles, or his relationships. TJ often pretended that he was fine, that he didn’t need anyone’s help, even when he had taken on a more soft and approachable personality, he would shut down for days at a time and refuse to speak to anyone. It was unhealthy, which had been what drew Cyrus toward him that day on the swings. A problem he could fix. That’s all their relationship was, all it ever would be. Nothing good could’ve ever come from getting to know TJ. They never would’ve gotten far even if TJ had shared Cyrus’ romantic attraction. At least that’s what Cyrus told himself to try to stop the tears from falling.

He hadn’t moved from his bed since he first got home from school and discarded the humiliating all-white outfit he had to wear the entire day, replacing it with sweats and a t-shirt. He was tired, and he hadn’t even done anything. Most of the school day had been full of planned activities, including an assembly in the gym where the students, mostly the athletes, competed in events in their costumes. There was a basketball game—because apparently the universe decided Cyrus hadn’t suffered enough for the day—and he had to watch TJ and Kira compete together on a team, ultimately winning. They were _good_. That was the worst part. It made perfect sense for them to be friends because they were so in sync. They had similar personalities, and they were both great at basketball. Still, Cyrus couldn’t help but stew as he watched them high-five upon winning the game for their team. Buffy kept a cautious watch over him, but he had assured her he was fine.

He _wasn’t_ fine.

Not really.

It made no sense to him. _TJ_ was the one who approached him with the idea for costume day. _TJ_ was the one who thought the idea was funny. _TJ_ was the one who insisted on being summer—at the very least he could’ve let Cyrus take the less embarrassing costume to be ditched in. None of it made sense to him. Why would TJ ask him to do a costume then ditch him for someone he just met?

 _Why? Why? Why? Why?_ That’s all that was going through his head.

Why Kira?

Why double dribble?

Why ask Cyrus to begin with?

Why not call Cyrus and tell him he was bailing?

_Why?_

Thinking back on it all, Cyrus felt like an idiot. TJ was the basketball team captain, and even though he didn’t really have friends, he was still popular enough to have other people who wanted to do a costume with him. Especially pretty girls that knew about basketball and were probably infinitely more compatible for TJ than Cyrus was. Because, yeah, as much as Cyrus tried to deny it, that’s what it all boiled down to. Cyrus was jealous. How could he not be? TJ was the first friend to treat him the way he did. He was clingy, but in the best way imaginable, and Cyrus adored their lingering touches. TJ was vulnerable with Cyrus, but not with anyone else. He was funny, sweet, and caring; he asked Cyrus about his problems, and he made Cyrus comfortable enough to be vulnerable too. He was unbelievably amazing. Cyrus knew his friends cared, but they sometimes got too caught up in their own lives to notice what was going on in his. While he didn’t blame them—he could never blame them for having their own stuff going on—he felt alone. But not when he was with TJ.

TJ made Cyrus feel a way he never had, not even when he developed his crush on Jonah. Jonah had always been unattainable, someone to admire from afar with no real expectations for anything to happen. With TJ it felt different, like he had a chance. He should’ve known better. Realistically, TJ was most likely straight, but Cyrus felt something. He felt connected to TJ in a way he didn’t feel with Buffy, Andi, or Jonah. Sometimes, TJ’s touches lingered a little too long, and he appeared a bit reluctant to pull away. Cyrus was good at detecting people’s feelings; a habit he picked up from the nature of which he was raised by his four psychologist parents. TJ seemed hesitant around Cyrus sometimes, like he was afraid of overstepping his boundaries, but he also grew deeply comfortable around Cyrus. He danced around his feelings, never truly speaking what was going through his mind, but offering an inkling of openness to grant Cyrus access. _The only person I can talk to like this._ He was the only person that TJ was himself around, and in turn, TJ was the only person Cyrus was unashamedly himself around. He made Cyrus so insanely happy.

So _why_? What happened with Kira that made her replace Cyrus in this aspect of TJ’s life? If Cyrus thought about it long enough, which he was really trying his best not to do, he would realize it was because TJ liked Kira. It was a thought Cyrus hated. He should’ve known better than to think those lasting touches and glances and smiles meant anything, but he allowed his hopes to get the best of him.

 _TJ likes Kira_.

The thought haunted him. It had done so since their walk in the park. Kira had been overly friendly, but her entire demeanor had changed once Cyrus announced his presence. He asked TJ what it meant, if they were hanging out now, but TJ had shrugged it off. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but apparently it did. All that time he spent with TJ. All the brushes of their hands, the blushing if they quietly gazed into each other’s eyes for too long after sharing a laugh over a private joke. All of that would change. TJ would rather spend his time around Kira, and Cyrus couldn’t do anything about it.

He should’ve known TJ would be the first to leave, the first to abandon their friendship.

The evidence had always been right in front of him. He thought about the place where they first met, in a cafeteria, where their flimsy friendship formed based on the acquisition of a muffin rather than something real. Nothing good could’ve come from the way they started their friendship. When he first truly got to know TJ, he was just an open ear, there to hear TJ out on his quest of accepting himself. TJ closed himself off, reserved from the rest of the world, and when he opened up to Cyrus, Cyrus had foolishly believed that made him special. It didn’t. He was never special, never anything more than a stop on a long drive that TJ was making his getaway on. But TJ had let him in. He let him see the not so brilliant parts of his personality, and he had adjusted because Cyrus encouraged him to, _made him want to be a better person_ , TJ had once said.

Maybe that was just it. TJ never planned on sticking around. He let Cyrus take him under his wing, develop him, and he raced off to the next stop.

There had been the instance at the basketball game TJ sat out of. _How about you’re not here at all?_ He never wanted Cyrus to be a part of his life, and if he did, it was simply for the benefit of having someone with a conscience stand by and judge his every move. It was just like when the gun incident happened: TJ hadn’t chosen Cyrus then either. Sure, he ultimately ended up doing the right thing, but he didn’t leave with Cyrus. He didn’t choose Cyrus. So why was Cyrus so surprised he didn’t choose him this time either? Cyrus had met TJ when he repressed his emotions deep inside of himself, hidden under layers of anger and insecurity. Cyrus had immediately played the psychologist role, peeling back TJ’s layers and opening him up to a brighter reality. It seemed that’s all Cyrus was good for: being the therapist. He was in a constant place of support, ready to analyze people’s problems and offer them advice. No one ever hung around Cyrus because they wanted to, they just wanted the guidance he handed out in copious amounts. The warning signs had blared around Cyrus since that fateful day in the cafeteria when TJ approached Buffy, cautioning him of the hazards that would follow TJ, that would follow falling for him. He should’ve known better, but he didn’t heed the warnings.

He and TJ were never friends, not really. It was a relationship founded on receiving mutual benefits. Cyrus got a muffin, TJ got a passing grade in math. TJ taught Cyrus how to do a somersault, Cyrus taught TJ how to apologize. Cyrus gained confidence, TJ gained security in who he was. They used each other, on mutual terms, and that realization hurt more than anything else because it _did_ mean something to Cyrus. Being with TJ wasn’t just about gaining something. Cyrus liked him more than anyone else. His presence lifted Cyrus to new heights of happiness that Cyrus had never felt before. Cyrus had always felt as though TJ and he shared a special bond, that it meant something to both of them. Granted, believing TJ liked him back was always just wishful thinking, but regardless, he at least thought TJ considered him a friend. Had it all been a lie?

Why was this all such a mystery to Cyrus?

The evidence was there all along. TJ spent time with Cyrus for his own personal gain, that’s all. But it didn’t _feel_ like that was all. Some part of him, deep inside, refused to believe TJ could do that to him. After all, Cyrus knew TJ better than anyone else, so how could it be possible that TJ never even considered him a friend? How could TJ open up to someone he didn’t even like at least a little? How could they spend all that time together, make so much effort and progress in their relationship, for it all to mean nothing? The situation should not have been as confusing as it was, but as Cyrus mulled over it, he found himself growing more and more disconcerted. Cyrus hated focusing on his problems for too long. He was much better at talking about what other people were going through, but with this, Cyrus desperately wished he could speak to TJ. All he wanted was to understand, for that not to be the last time he ever saw TJ; who had fallen off the face of the Earth since that morning, actively avoiding him. And what did _that_ mean? Why was TJ avoiding him?

Before Cyrus’ brain could derail itself on that new track of thought, he lifted his phone from his chest and stared blankly at the empty notifications spot, feeling tears well up in his eyes, threatening to leak over and descend down his puffy cheeks.

_Nothing._

* * *

_Nothing._

That’s what TJ felt.

Absolutely _nothing._

When he watched Cyrus’ face fall to pieces that morning, he had felt overwhelming guilt and self-hatred—for making Cyrus feel that way and for caring so much about Cyrus. All day TJ had battled his emotions, tossing between self-hatred and anger.

Anger at Kira, for putting him in this situation to begin with.

Anger at himself for the emotions he couldn’t control.

Anger at Cyrus for being so damn easy to like.

All of his emotions swirled around inside his head, leaving him numb and exhausted. Following Kira and his basketball teammates around all day, pretending to like his costume, to find interest in whatever they were talking about—it had all been too much. The worst part was that his team _liked_ Kira. Some had even teased him throughout the day, poking and prodding at him, wondering if he was going to ask Kira out on a date. TJ had shrugged them all off— _She’s cool I guess—_ to which they all stared at him, gaping mouths, before collecting themselves and proceeding to remind TJ that she was a pretty girl who liked basketball. If TJ hadn’t been angry before, that would’ve been the final straw. _Was basketball the only thing that mattered to these people_? What about building a relationship with someone who actually _understood_ him? Understood who he was as a person, his insecurities, what made him vulnerable. Someone who never pushed him to the point of discomfort. That was a corner Kira had forced him into approximately ten seconds after he met her. Discomfort. With Cyrus, it was never like that. Cyrus respected when TJ didn’t want to open up about what he was feeling, and he encouraged TJ when he did. It was easy with Cyrus because TJ knew he would never be judged for who he was.

The day Kira came up to him on the bench hit TJ like a tidal wave, a reality check. Not everyone would spare him judgment; it wasn’t as easy with everyone else as it was with Cyrus, and that was part of the reason they fit together so well. They just clicked, easily. Cyrus was the only person TJ was himself around; the real, unashamed version of himself. He certainly wasn’t himself with his basketball friends—team—because, really, could he even consider these people his friends? Certainly not the way he could someone like Cyrus; not that Cyrus wanted his friendship anymore. Which was a fact TJ was beginning to accept.

He was sitting in a booth at the Spoon, across from one of his teammates named Jacob and beside Kira, whose hand was laced through his own on the tabletop where everyone could see. It was the current object of TJ’s attention. She had done that a lot throughout the day, and TJ didn’t understand why. She practically confronted him about his feelings for Cyrus but retained her flirty nature, as if that would change what TJ felt. _Maybe it should._ Wasn’t he supposed to have romantic interest in a girl who fitted the idea of all his friends’—acquaintances’—expectations? What was so special about Cyrus anyway? He wanted to hate himself as soon as the thought crossed his mind because there was so much he had to say in response to that, but he couldn’t.

Every feature that compiled Cyrus into himself made him incredible. He had such a kind, caring nature, which was the aspect that had made TJ so drawn to him in the first place. Cyrus tried repeatedly to help TJ improve, and TJ was so thankful for how much time and energy his friend had dedicated to him, putting his own friendships at risk simply because he believed in TJ, in his ability to be someone better. Cyrus was hilarious; more than one occasion TJ had sat across from Cyrus’ friends here in this same booth and cracked up at a story Cyrus told, and for some reason, he always found it funnier than the rest of the group did. Cyrus was lively when he spoke, excitement seeping through his tone, no matter what he said. His voice was TJ’s favorite sound. And, of course, it helped that Cyrus was just as beautiful outside as he was in. His pure, genuine laugh reached his eyes when he was enjoying himself, and TJ found himself getting lost in moments where he’d watch Cyrus’ happiness light up all of his features. His dark, chocolate eyes were incredibly inviting, providing a source of warmth and comfort to TJ that he often found himself melting into. Anytime Cyrus spoke, TJ clasped onto his every word, his every expression, his every gesture, because absolutely every part of Cyrus was captivating to him. It was so easy for him to get lost in everything that was Cyrus, for his every thought to get consumed by the other boy.

And, yeah, maybe that was a problem. TJ wasn’t supposed to feel any of that for his friend; for a boy. He’d never really considered his feelings toward Cyrus until Kira came along. TJ treasured the time he spent around Cyrus and never saw any reason to analyze what that might mean, what his desires to touch Cyrus constantly and experience life by his side might mean; but he lived in fear now that he might be taking advantage of Cyrus’ niceness by being so close to him. He never had reason to worry about that before, but Kira had made his feelings seem so obvious that he panicked that morning.

And now, here he was in a booth with his entire basketball team at the Spoon and he felt absolutely nothing.

He felt so mind numbingly hollow, like someone could stare at him and see straight through him, no thought or emotion revealed. The events of his day had left him tired, emotionally and physically, and he wanted so badly to despise himself for only caring about being able to make it home to his bed. He should care more about what his team was discussing, what Cyrus was doing. During school, Kira dragged him around to show off their _couple’s costume_ , a term that nauseated him. She bragged about her genius idea, and TJ could tell almost everyone they showed was as unimpressed with the idea as he had been. For someone who claimed to have such a cool idea, Kira’s concept really lacked in creativity, but that pleased TJ in a way. He had heard whispers all day about the awesome Mount Rushmore costume, and he was kind of grateful that Cyrus’ costume was getting more appreciation than his and Kira’s. Cyrus deserved that at the very least after TJ’s betrayal. The rest of the day, Kira forced TJ to endure her partnership, especially when it came to the team games at the pep rally where she insisted on showing off how well they worked together. The memory of Cyrus’ heartbreak etched into his face that morning reformed itself in TJ’s mind, returning a pang of self-loathing to his chest. How could he have hurt Cyrus so badly? That was the one thing he never wanted to do, so why had he? His eyes snuck a peek at his phone, desperately wishing he could apologize. As if she could sense his mind’s loyalty returning itself to Cyrus, Kira broke off her animated speech and finally acknowledged him.

“You alright there, TJ?,” she asked, and TJ could practically hear the warning dripping off her voice.

He nodded absentmindedly, forcing a smile as his gaze turned back upward, “Of course.”

“Hey, man, you're awfully quiet over there. Are you going to ask about that thing we talked about earlier,” Jacob suddenly inquired, and TJ found it difficult to resist shooting him an angry glare. How was it that a team he ran managed to control his actions, his feelings?

“No, I don’t think so.”

“What are you guys talking about?,” Kira’s brow twisted in confusion, and TJ prayed he could disappear from the conversation.

“Nothing,” he gritted out between his teeth.

She stared at him pointedly, waiting expectantly, and all TJ could do was cast another menacing look at Jacob.

“C’mon man, don’t be a wuss,” another teammate commented, and the nauseated feeling intensified in his stomach.

They were referring to when they cornered TJ after the pep rally, while Kira had gone to get a drink, and insisted he ask Kira out. He had done his best to shrug them off and tell them to stop messing around, but they hadn’t let up. Jacob had sent him glances throughout the day, as if daring him to ask Kira on a date. TJ wanted nothing more than to disappear in this exact instant. He couldn’t just _tell_ them he liked a boy, not Kira. What would they think? Those types of feelings weren’t normal, at least that’s what he’d felt ever since Kira approached him.

“Is it about me?” Kira asked.

“I-uh-” He stuttered, and glanced down at their hands.

His chest constricted, and he felt as though the weight of the world was collapsing in on him. Hardly able to breathe, he withdrew his hand from Kira’s and suddenly wished he wasn’t stuck on the inside of the booth with no escape.

“ _Kippen you’re such a coward, c’mon dude_.”

His palms were sweaty, and his vision began to blur. He had no idea why he was suddenly hard of breathing and unable to see; he had never experienced anything like this before. His ears were ringing, and he couldn’t hear what everyone was saying, but they were all staring at him, waiting impatiently.

He really _was_ a coward.

Too much of a coward to call Cyrus, to tell him he was bailing on their costume. Too much of a coward to dress up with him, afraid of what others might think. Too much of a coward to be himself when everyone had expectations for him to be someone else. Too much of a coward to admit what he felt for Cyrus. That’s all he was and all he would ever be: a coward.

“Since he’s incapable of speaking-” Jacob began, and TJ knew this was the moment his world would end.

“I can do it,” TJ snapped at his teammate, managing to regain some composure. “I don’t need your help. Would you all just back off?”

Jacob threw his hands up in surrender, “Jeez sorry dude, but you weren’t speaking.”

TJ turned to face Kira, desperately blinking away the blurriness from his eyes. “Um, would you like to go out on a date this weekend? I was thinking tomorrow.”

The words tasted bitter falling from his lips, and he despised himself once they came out. His friends cheered him on, adding a level of embarrassment to the situation that TJ didn’t know he could feel. The smile that traced itself on Kira’s face was more dangerous than excited, but TJ was the only one who could see the expression as such.

“I’d love to!,” she replied, and TJ’s heart sank, some inner part of him hoping that she would decline the request.

And he hated himself all over again.

“Great,” he forced a smile on his face and Kira re-laced her fingers through his, reminding him how much he hated everything about the last few days.

_How did it all escalate to this?_

* * *

_How did it all escalate to this?_

That was the only question Cyrus could ask himself as he came face-to-face with TJ and Kira, walking together, on the sidewalk outside of their local ice cream shop.

“Cyrus, Buffy, fancy seeing you here,” Kira greeted.

“Not really, it’s a small town,” Cyrus commented.

Kira briefly glared at him, and he immediately shrunk back into his shell.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“Getting ice cream, obviously,” Buffy gestured to the containers in hers and Cyrus’ hands.

“You on a date?”

And that’s when Cyrus knew it was all going south.

“No, but it appears you are.” Buffy replied, pointing at their conjoined hands with her spoon, a hint of distaste seeping into her voice.

“Yeah, it’s our very first.” Kira gushed, excitedly squeezing TJ’s arm with her other hand. “Ice cream, then a movie. Fun, right?”

“I never particularly liked movies for first dates,” Cyrus commented. “There’s not enough time to talk and get to know someone.”

“Kira picked it,” TJ spoke, for the first time, boredom lacing his voice.

“Oh, he speaks,” Cyrus remarked, finally acknowledging TJ’s presence by looking him in the eye. “Didn’t think you were capable of doing that anymore.”

“Too bad he apparently doesn’t know how to use a phone,” Buffy absentmindedly said, taking a bite of her ice cream.

“I-” TJ began, but Kira cut him off—a habit Cyrus was starting to notice more and more from the girl.

“Well, it was nice to see you! We should probably head inside so we have enough time to eat before the movie.”

“Of course,” Cyrus muttered. “Have fun on your date, you guys really seem to fit well.”

“Yeah, your narcissistic, backstabbing personalities slot together so well: a match made in heaven if you ask me,” Buffy’s bitterly remarked, a wide smile on her face as she did so.

“No need to be rude, Buffy,” Kira said.

“My apologies,” she said insincerely, glaring at TJ one last time before wrapping her arm through Cyrus’ and tugging him along down the sidewalk until they were far enough away that they were out of earshot. Cyrus allowed Buffy to guide him down the sidewalk toward the street crossing sign. She was off on another one of her ‘TJ is the worst’ tangents, and Cyrus couldn’t find it in himself to argue with her this time.

“Seriously, who does he think he is? He ditches you for Kira—and when did he get to know her anyway—and then just goes out on a date with her not even considering how that would make you feel?”

“He doesn’t know I’m gay,” he reminded Buffy who, in turn, waved him off.

“That doesn’t matter! Anyone who experiences the relationship you two have and doesn’t see it for what it is, is crazy! He was so overly friendly and reassuring toward you. That’s not something you do for just a friend, Cyrus!”

“Right, remind me what the nature of yours and Marty’s relationship is again?,” Cyrus remarked, pointedly staring at his best friend.

“That’s different! He has a girlfriend.”

“Well so does TJ, apparently.”

Kira began to drag TJ toward the door once again, and his feet felt heavier than they had before. He couldn’t help but stare down at Kira. Her hair rested on her shoulder in a side ponytail, and she had a dress on that reached down to her knees. She had the faintest bit of lip gloss on, and TJ was aware he should probably think she was pretty, but he didn’t. Objectively, she was pretty, but for him, there was absolutely no attraction. He was reminded again, suddenly, of the times he’d gotten lost in Cyrus’ brown eyes, in his soft smile, in his enthusiastic laugh, in the light pink blush that would dust his cheeks on occasion; watching Cyrus was his favorite thing to do, and it made his heart soar. He could never imagine his heart leaping with Kira like it did with Cyrus.

At this thought, he couldn’t help but look back at Cyrus, whose body was facing toward Buffy, but already peering over his own shoulder in TJ’s direction. TJ could tell that Buffy was angrily rambling, and he knew he was the cause for that which upset him beyond belief. Ruining their friendship was just another downside to this whole experience. _Were there any upsides?_ The moment his eyes met Cyrus’ his heart began beating quickly, urging him to move toward the other boy, to apologize profusely, to beg forgiveness, to comfort him and promise never to hurt him again. A yearning settled over him, pulling him toward Cyrus’ side and away from the grip on his hand that felt a lot like a death sentence. Cyrus’ eyes flickered down to Kira and TJ’s intertwined hands and he turned back toward Buffy sadly, whispering something to her. TJ saw her face soften, and she reached for Cyrus’ hand, pulling him along.

“Can we please just go?” Cyrus said.

He didn’t want to subject himself to TJ any longer, feeling an emptiness settle itself over his mind and heart. TJ had made his choice, one that Cyrus hadn’t even been aware TJ would need to make. Regardless, his decision didn’t involve Cyrus. He clearly didn’t want any part of Cyrus’ life, at least not in the same way Cyrus wanted a part of his. Earlier that week, everything had been perfect. The pair had been closer than ever, physically and emotionally. Cyrus had never even been made aware that TJ and Kira knew each other or to what extent. He assumed they had just met, but how could TJ possibly be so closed off, so emotionally reserved around Cyrus because of someone he just met? It was as if he’d shut down, throwing his wall of defense back up to shield and protect himself.

The last thought TJ had, before entering through the door into the ice cream shop with Kira, was of his feelings. He didn’t even need to be with Cyrus to feel more for him in that moment than he did for Kira, and if his feelings for Cyrus made him happier than being beside Kira, why was he still with her? He’d met the girl not even four days ago, and he allowed his fear to overwhelm his every judgment call. To him _that_ was more cowardly than anything else. Cyrus was his everything: his only friend, his number one supporter, his crush, his anchor. Whenever TJ’s emotions spiraled out of control, he could find solace in being around Cyrus, so why had he abandoned him? Who was he trying to impress? _His team?_ He couldn’t care less what any of them thought. None of them were the captain, and they couldn’t torment him; he held the authority. Just because he was more vulnerable than he had been before he met Cyrus didn’t mean he couldn’t still make people cower in fear of him, and while that wasn’t necessarily the healthiest choice to deal with the situation, it certainly brought him a great deal of comfort. _Kira?_ He didn’t need to impress her. Having met her only four days earlier allowed him to realize she had no control over him. She was someone he could easily remove from his life, just as easily as he allowed her into it. He had no other friends, no other acquaintances, no other people in his life to put up this facade for. Sure, he had his family, and he didn’t know how they would react to this information, but that was a risk he’d have to be willing to take.

Cyrus had once told TJ that he couldn’t let guilt eat away at him for having emotions, for experiencing feelings, so how could TJ possibly judge himself for what Cyrus made him feel? If he was feeling it, that meant it couldn’t be wrong. How could liking someone ever _be_ wrong? Because some else said so? Because a girl he only just met made him think it was? Why did he care what she thought, what _anyone_ thought? He wasn’t living for them; he was living for himself. Who he was could only be defined by him, not by people he would no longer talk to once he got through school.

His hand slipped out of Kira’s, causing her to turn toward him in surprise. She reached for him once more, and TJ could see clearly the shackles that came with her: the commitment, the future. A false future, one in which he’d be lying if he lived it. He flinched away from her grasp and whispered a brief, “I can’t do this,” before turning and making his way out the door. He expected a crushing fear to overtake him, but it never came. Instead, he found himself accomplishing a feat he hadn’t been able to meet ever since Kira walked up to him sitting on that bench.

For the first time in four days, he allowed himself to breathe, and he made his own decision: he would call Cyrus and apologize.


End file.
